Ben Ormonde - Personal Transformation Coach
Originally Published on : Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Finding The Love Of Your Life
by Ben Ormonde
Personal Transformation Coach
How to attract and keep The Love Of Your Life.
St Valentines Day is approaching, love is in the air for many and others are wondering when, if ever, their Prince Charming or Princess Perfection is going to arrive.
If you’ve been longing to connect with “The Love Of Your Life” or “Soulmate” and he or she has been elusive I’m going to explain what’s happening and what to do about it from a Law of Attraction perspective. The word “soulmate” has now become part of popular language. It really does sound so absolutely wonderful and romantic because what you’re asking for is a mate for your soul.
If you are looking for your soul mate, what you are indicating is that you are aware that you have a soul and that there is a part of you that you may call spiritual or divine and that you would really like to share your human journey with someone who’s a match to that deeper part of you.
Many people never get to know or get in touch with that deeper part of themselves, so they’re likely to just attract partners, not soulmates. The romantic notion of a soulmate is one of a perfectly matched other half who makes us feel balanced, loved, wanted, safe and complete.
Soulmate is not necessarily defined as a romantic, sexual or marriage relationship. Soulmates show up in many different forms. You can have friends, business associates or family members who are soulmates and even pets who you would call soulmates.
What we’re really here to talk about is the romantic soulmate, meeting the one, finding the love of your life, to share our lives with, the one who is going to enhance this human experience and who we may possibly even marry and spend the rest of our lives with.
Why then is finding the love of our life so illusive for so many? This is where the rubber meets the road. The answer is that you need to first fall in love with yourself. I don’t mean that in a conceited or narcissistic way. What I’m saying is that you need to already have a life in which you feel valuable, contented, and you are living a life that is on purpose and full regardless of whether you have a partner or not. This is an inside job.
Before you can know your soul mate, you have to know your own soul. If you don’t know yourself and like yourself, you really don’t stand much chance of meeting someone who will want to know you and like you.
You literally have to fall in love with yourself before anyone else is likely to. This may not be what you want to hear because you’d rather have someone just love you than you loving yourself, but it just doesn’t work that way. It works from the inside out.
The feeling of euphoria early in a new relationship has absolutely nothing to do with real genuine love. It has everything to do with a rush of all the feel good hormones rushing to our brain in the same way as addictive drugs do. It feels absolutely fantastic. We’ve all been there, we meet this new person and we have such a great time and I just love being around you, time flies, I’ve got butterflies in my stomach, I feel weak at the knees, I feel like I’m in love with you and I want to marry you and live with you forever and have children with you! Sound familiar? This is why people get so addicted to getting that feeling of “being in love”. It’s all hormones. Real long term love relationships need to be built on very solid foundations. In human terms, this means a relationship built by two grounded, contented people who are already living their lives on purpose.
Being dependent on the behaviour of another person to make you happy and to give you a feeling of wellbeing is profoundly unhealthy. It puts you in a prison of dependency and sows the seeds of co-dependency. In co-dependencies, people end up blaming each other.
Healthy long term romantic, soulmate relationships are grounded in unconditional love, meaning that you live your lives as self actualized people who choose to get together in a spirit of sharing rather than neediness. This means living independent of the opinions or behaviour or the other person.
Anyone who says, I have so much love to give and nobody to give it to, is really saying, I’m the emotional black hole and I will suck every bit of life from you that you allow me to. What this means is that somebody who ‘needs’ a soul mate is coming from a sense of desperation and if you’re desperate, desperation repels. The more desperate you feel, the more you push away what you want. That’s just the way the Law of Attraction works. We’ve all met people who are very desperate and it’s really very hard for them to find a mate because they don’t like themselves.
If however you’re a person who has a real sense that you’re a valuable, good person and that there’s love in you and beauty in you, and that you would like to share your love instead of needing someone to fill in a black hole, then you are in the perfect position to attract someone who will enhance your earthly experience.
The Law of Attraction says that Like attracts Like. You may have noticed that desperate people attract other desperate people. Have you also noticed what happens when you feel really good about yourself, when you’re relaxed, joyful, creative and playful, you feel like you could just be alone and have some fun on your own if you want to? When you get to that blissful inner feeling of contentedness regardless of having a partner, that’s when the right people seem to magically show up. The reason is because whole people are attracted to whole people. So before you can attract a whole person, you have to become whole person. You have to become the person you want to attract.
The worst line I have ever heard used in a movie was in Jerry McGuire. The line was “You complete me”! What that line means is that if you are somehow empty, broken, lost, screwed up or messed up and if you just found that right one person to fill the void and be everything to you that you are not to yourself, well, you’ll then be ok. Does that mean that two broken halves will make one perfect whole couple? I don’t think so.
If you define yourself as a broken or half person and you think that if I could just get with another broken or half person, maybe we could fill in each others blanks and somehow end up with a whole one. What you end up with is less than what you started with. This is all about self love and the moment you can genuinely fall in love with yourself, you become extremely attractive to other people. I know, it’s a bit of a paradox. The way it works is this; before you can really have somebody else, you have to not need somebody else. In other words, when you are totally willing to go it alone, if you have to, then almost magically, the chemistry happens for you and you end up going with someone else. That someone else may well be “The Love Of Your Life”.
I hope that you find the idea of falling in love with yourself and your life regardless of having a partner as exciting as I do. When you get yourself to that point of contentment, you will be radiantly attractive and your soul mate will be drawn to you like a magnet.
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I look forward to your comments and questions.
Personal Transformation Coach
Contagious Enthusiasm Self Development and Wellness Centre.